Recently, I gave myself a time out. While I didn’t go sit in the corner like I used to make my kids, and really any kid that walked through my doors, when they misbehaved, I did remove myself from a situation that I was in danger of making much worse. Instead of a corner I retreated to a room upstairs and vegged out for a bit. I watched an episode of Shrinking and then some trippy show about twins that switched places every year. Sidebar: It was a weird one, but it made me think. What if I could take a time out for an entire year? What would that look like and how hard would it be to come back from? Hmmm…I’ll bet it would be fun for about two days and then I would miss my real life. But if I’m honest, today it was a wee bit tempting.
Why did I need to walk away? Because I got my feelings hurt and I was about to say some things that I would later regret. Words spoken in the midst of hurt and anger are rarely constructive – on the contrary, they’re usually destructive. So I removed myself from the conversation before I said something I couldn’t take back.
I didn’t used to be able to walk away. I would either sit there and silently cry, or spew vitriol with blatant disregard for the aftermath. Much to my discredit, I am capable of tearing down a fellow human with my words. I don’t even need to use swear words – I have a well honed, cutting vocabulary and I’m not afraid to use it. Too easily I have wielded it like a weapon and hurt someone I care about. Sadly, the things I actually let fly in my verbal tirades are often tamer than what runs through my mind. I’m not pleasant when I’m angry and lashing out.
Thankfully, I have been working on taming the verbal beast within me and am having pretty good success. (Just ask the husband, he’s very familiar with it.) It’s taken years, therapy, hard truths spoken by trusted friends and loved ones, a certain amount of maturing, and lots of prayer to battle my destructive tendencies. I’m still not always good at holding my tongue, so I frequently employ a self-inflicted time out. If I can’t shut up, I have to get up. It’s a simple, effective strategy.
Oftentimes all I need is time to take some deep breaths, calm down and reinsert my brain/mouth filter. (That pesky thing likes to dislodge itself.) If I’m really angry, I have some other tricks that I’ll share another day. Or, if you don’t want to wait, you can find them in Chapter 12, The HAT Strategy, of my book. In case you’re wondering, HAT stands for Homicide Avoidance Toolkit. (More details about the book are here: https://shannonrbrown.com/2022/07/14/hot-off-the-presses/.) I can attest to its efficacy in keeping me in check – at least in the homicidal rage realm…
Time outs aren’t always a bad thing, no matter what kids seem to think. I also don’t think I’ll ever fully outgrow them. Maybe you have, or will, but I’ll cling to them like my life depends on it. I know the health of my relationships often do. So if I walk away from you in the heat of the moment, just know I’m doing it as much for you as I am for me. But I promise I’ll be back, and better for having left.
How about you? Have you ever had to put yourself in time out? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!
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Shannon R. Brown 