Dear Plebes of the House of Brown,
I know it has taken me a bit of time to grow into my role in your home, but I feel I am now ready to assume my place on the Throne(s) of the House of Brown. Henceforth you will refer to me as Queen Stella.
While the battle for the legendary Iron Throne continues to rage in the Land of the Seven Kingdoms, the battle within Castle Brown is over. I hereby claim the Leather Thrones (all couches, chairs and the ottoman), the Bed Spring Thrones & the Carpet/Throw Rug Thrones within the Castle for myself.
I expect my meals to be on time, my belly rubs to be plentiful, my walks to be daily and a large assortment of chewable toys available at all times. Failure to provide any of these things will result in swift and harsh punitive action. A few examples of the penalties for a violation of these demands is as follows:
Destruction of the living room rug
Adjustments made to strap length and function on any/all sandals
The spreading of paper debris on floors & beds
Disbursement of plastic pieces from whatever happens to be handy
Shredding of branches/wood in the backyard
Digging of holes, particularly around fences & sprinkler heads
The shortening of vacuum cords
Any other action I find appropriate at the time of my displeasure
In regards to our long-term visiting royal, King Boomhauer, of the land of College Station, I have decided that he may stay. But he must be amenable to my barking, nibbling, climbing and sitting upon him. Additionally, my requests for his attention will be met immediately, lest I be required to pester one of you with my playful toe biting.
I promise to rule with great mercy and love. I pledge to keep you warm on cold nights, to greet you as you return to our kingdom and to come when you call (if it suits me). I will keep the home floors clean, as long as there’s no spinach involved, and help you maintain a healthy diet by landing on the calorie grenade that is a bag of potato chips.
I pray that we experience peace in our kingdom from here on out. Rather, until the doorbell rings.
Your Benevolent Ruler,