Graduation Speaker Cheat Sheet


I’ve been to a couple of graduations lately. The fact that we let 18 year olds give speeches full of advice to their fellow graduates never ceases to entertain me. I have often wondered if they look back on those speeches 20 years later and ask themselves, “What was I thinking?” I know I would.

In a bid to aid future graduation speakers, I’ve complied a list of helpful advice based on my years of experience in the real world.

  • The real world doesn’t care that you’re mommy’s special child.
  • Sunscreen is your best friend at the beach.
  • Don’t smoke meth. It ruins your teeth.
  • Always wear your retainer. Parents don’t pay for adult braces.
  • Uber/Lyft is the drunk’s best friend.
  • Student loans aren’t free. The government always gets its money back.
  • If you want pink underwear, just wash your whites with a couple of red shirts.
  • “I’m offended,” is not a valid argument.
  • Used gum belongs in the garbage can, not on the sidewalk. Please be kind to the bottom of your fellow citizens’ shoes.
  • Man buns should not be a thing. Unless you’re a samurai.
  • Tattoos are great, just think long and hard about placement. When you’re eighty that boob tattoo may become a stomach stamp.
  • Never let someone tell you coffee isn’t a health drink.
  • Don’t take candy, drinks, or drugs from strangers.
  • Never meet your Tinder or Bumble dates at your house. The crazies love those apps.
  • Piña coladas are good for you because coconut and pineapple are good for you.
  • Not every meal needs to meet your social media accounts.
  • Tip generously and treat servers well. You’re just one rude remark away from a spit-covered meal.
  • Few legitimate jobs pay cash. That pizza you’re delivering may have an extra jail-sentence-risking topping
  • Professors, not just moms, employ the “Because I said so,” explanation.
  • You can never truly get away from your parents. You have their DNA.
  • And finally, one of my favorite tips – Never kiss your honey when your nose if runny. You may think it’s funny, but it’snot.


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